Grasped by His strong hand

Light in darkness

                                                    Aurora in the Yukon , Canada.

I could not fathom it but I knew something was not okay with me emotionally when I returned back from US in 2012. Initially I thought it was just jet lag and fatigue but as the months went by and the low feelings persisted on, I realized it was more than that.

I couldn't quite place my finger on the feeling. It felt as if  every now and then, I was  tele-ported somewhere often - to another continent, to another age, and  to heaven's shore. Turning a physical corner in driving or walking felt as though I was turning a corner into another age and era. Falling asleep also felt like I was going into another time zone. At times, I woke up in the night sobbing and not knowing why. I struggled with those difficult feelings.

In the midst of all this, I did wonder if it was time for me to go home to heaven? Was Father God sending me signals to prepare to go home to Him?  I even consulted a therapist and among some of the things he did was to check if I was suicidal then. No, I said, no I am not suicidal.

Then this vision came. The sketch above done during my quiet time does not do justice to the vision I saw. I saw God's huge strong hand grasping my weak hand. My feet were sinking in miry clay but His strong hand's grasped lifted me up and out of the miry clay. All outside was pitch cold darkness but God's hand holding my hand was bathed in a wonderful shaft of warm yellow light. I saw warm light in the cold darkness.

The poem I wrote next to my sketch

The strength of your hand's grasp, 
Holding my hand, 
Lifts me up and out of the sticky miry clay
I am no longer sinking low 
but you lift me up


It is never how hard I hold on to Him that matters. It is how hard He holds on to me that really matters. In that season of my weakness, I realized it was all about Him and not about me or whatever limited strength I had.


Then the lyrics of Matt Redman's song became so meaningful to me.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth


YOU NEVER LET GO LYRICS - MATT REDMAN

I am glad that dark confusing season is over. I am even more glad I have gone through it, knowing God was there with me and it was His strength that held me and not my limited strength.